Lonely reflections on the past
I sat on the rock for a long while today. I'm not sure how long. In my mind's eye I could see the stern of the runabout as it left its hovering position above the Great Link. Carrying her away.
Reading Nerys's journal and seeing that she is being kept awake by boisterous love-making sessions (Julian and Ezri), I was reminded of our own relationship. The passion that we felt from the beginning, from the moment our lips touched on the Promenade.
Passion. Desire.
When did I first feel that? Not with the Link, though that had its own sensuality.
With Arissa I felt desired FOR, and felt for the first time a tenderness that could be showed physically. Even during that night that taught me so much, I still yearned for Nerys. Yearned to tell her how I felt. Wanted to share a tender and physical relationship with her.
Then she found out by me...er, not quite me, but another one. And instead of mortification, I felt immense relief. The truth was out in the open. It was up to her now. But her reaction wasn't the one I was hoping for, not after she found out that it was the OTHER me who allowed eight thousand citizens to die. For her. Life was not worth living if she was not around. I still stand by that decision, and I think that when she finally understood the emotional impact all that remained was how deeply I love her.
Tension came next. We didn't speak for a month, not about "feelings." It was about work, and brief at that. I would retreat, or she would. Then one day we finally confronted each other and I assured her, solemnly, that I wouldn't ask her out to dinner or attempt to change the nature of our friendship. That was hard on my part, but once the words were said the tension left her face and she smiled at me the way she used to. I was content to have her friendship. Then. I could wait. I forced myself to wait.
Everything changed so fast. Starfleet left. The Dominion arrived. Nerys and I remained on DS9, along with a few others. We were getting closer, much to my delight. She smiled more around me and it thrilled me, gave me a reason to hold out hope. One smile from Nerys and I was unable to think coherently for hours after that. I still recall, vividly, the day when we were in Quark's and she was complaining about her day, mainly about Weyoun. Then she made a joke and I was a little thrown by it at first, but when I saw her smile and her eyes gleam, I was relieved and happy that she could smile again. Seeing her sad all those months was emotional torture for me. I told her, as mildly as I could without frightening her, that I was glad she could smile again. And her reply almost sent me falling from the barstool in a puddle: "Only when I'm with you." It staggered me! I was more touched than I could say, and felt my hopes soaring higher and higher. I stared at her, in awe, and told her that it was kind of her to say that. And she added that it was true, that being with me made things seem better.
Things didn't stay as light as that, however. She prompted me to seek some authority on the station. I did. I sat on the Ruling Council with Dukat and Weyoun. After Yazim's death (right in front of Nerys), the two of us created a New Resistance. We were on the same side. Until 2 weeks later.
Nerys and I had started fighting about resistance tactics. Curt words were said, and I felt as though she was questioning my loyalties. I felt insulted. Miserable. As if right on cue, the Founder walked into my office. The hurt I felt after fighting with Nerys felt like a gaping hole. In a moment of weakness, I confessed the depth of my affection for Kira. And in that moment, she had me. The right words were said and we Linked.
Peace. Clarity. Relief. Or so I thought.
It had been so long since I linked I welcomed it more than I should have. And I began to slip away from myself...and Nerys. My inner turmoil couldn't be hidden from the Founder however, and she used it. She thrived on it.
I broke my promise to Nerys. I betrayed her, the Resistance. And I didn't care. Worst of all, I told her that she didn't matter. Then all I had left was the Link, and a sickening feeling within me when I realized what I'd done.
The Founder tried to distract me with a question about humanoid "intimacy." Torture. I showed her, re-enacting the physical aspects of love-making. Afterward I was so ashamed of this extra betrayal that I couldn't look at her. I sat on the other side of the bed, looking away, not wanting her to see my grief. She wanted to know if that was how ALL Solids experienced intimacy. Not all Solids, I explained. Just Humans and Bajorans. Bajorans. I grimaced. The Female Changeling seemed intrigued in my intimate past. I didn't mention Arissa's name, but I remembered fondly what it was to share such intimacy and have it mean...something. It was full of happiness, pleasure. Immediately she seized the opportunity to ruin the memory. "And you're sorry you didn't experience it with Major Kira?" A blunt reminder that I would never know Nerys in this intimate way. Certainly not after all I put her through. Why should she put her heart in my hands after this unforgivable betrayal?
I didn't know quite how to phrase an apology, nor did I know when I'd have the chance. But one day, I did. And I got what I deserved. Nerys stormed away and I chased after her. She quoted my own cold words back to me and I grabbed her, needing desperately for her to hear me. She brushed my hand off of her and that hurt more than any angry words she could have said, or so I thought. My apology was met with a frank "Well, let me tell you something, Odo--we are way, WAY past 'sorry.'" I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry, if only I could. Pure agony. What was I now? Without Nerys, I was nothing. Odo'Ital. Just as I was labeled.
The hold the Link had on me was beginning to fade. The wound I had now was too deep for a "quick fix." The Changeling kept begging for me to Link, and I no longer felt the desire. In frustation, she made a big mistake. She told me that Nerys had been arrested...and would be executed. I felt immediate anguish. No! She would be found guilty for something trivial, which would give the Changeling perfect reason to carry out her punishment. That was the first time I received clarity. Pure clarity. I knew where I belonged.
I rescued Nerys with my deputies and helped her expel the Dominion troops. When she asked why, I explained, "The Link was paradise. But it seems I'm not ready for paradise."
Paradise.
I would discover what paradise was five months later, after a passionate kiss on the Promenade. Paradise was Nerys. I wonder if she knew that's what I was talking about? Did you, Nerys? That's what I meant. I'd be lucky if you still wanted to be friends.
Paradise is you. It's watching you sleep in the bed we shared; it's lightly running my fingers through your silky red hair; it's pressing a kiss to your lips when you wake up; it's seeing you smile; it's looking forward all day to seeing you; it's watching you eat; it's listening to your laugh; it's making love with you. You are my paradise.
And now I'm in the Link. Anything but paradise.
I miss you, my love.
Yours always,
--Odo
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